Wednesday, July 18.
Today is such a >: ( then :D then : ( day.
Shoot briefing was enough to make me feel ) : ) : ) : for the whole day. It's seriously the first time I feel so low confidence & low morale & low low low. Not low actually, just, zero. I don't know. I tried to convince myself that there was something wrong with the revolver during prelims. And then when I almost made myself believe that, we had our last dry shoot. Which brought forth a possibility of the problem lying with nothing else except my own lousy shooting skills. And so from then on, I have been pacing between the two: to blame the revolver, or to blame myself. And blaming myself seems to have gotten on the majority side after last dry shoot. And I think: Oh waiteng, look how much you suck. But then I think of classi shoots and like: Actually you don't suck that much. But! Classi shoot was just luck, you idiot. So during last dry shoot, I tried very very hard to correct what I finally realised might have been the problem. And now I have 2 choices: Either to aim the lousy, incorrect way I did for classi. Or to use the new & improved way I just corrected not long ago. Of course, I would choose the one that would make me shoot better, but the problem is, I don't know which does that miracle. So when Mr Choo went 'I can tell yall, yall are more than prepared, definitely", I was thinking: Yeah, right. So all I can do now is to wait for Friday to come, where we will leave class early to go to HTA and wait until 5.45 to shoot. And I'm supposed to brush off all my insecurities and just concentrate on shooting. Tell me, how do I do that. And I think no visualization helps now, because all I can visualise is me walking into the shooting range, still feeling 0% confidence, picking up the revolver with all the people staring at me, and expecting a lot because we're the team with the highest score. But in actual fact, they don't know that they're just gonna be staring at 4 other freaking good shooters, and one lousy piece of shit with a score of 43. And everytime the target board moves towards me, it'll be just like a knife stabbing into my heart. And after the whole thing ends, that's when the misery starts. I'll just breakdown like I did during prelims and everybody will go 'don't cry, it's okay'. It does comfort me, but I know it's not okay, everyone knows it's not okay. And I will so totally not feel like taking the same bus as the whole shoot comm, maybe I'll just run away from HTA myself and take a cab or something. And cry my ass out in the cab, then go home and cry my ass out again. Then I'll be happy that shoot finals is over, but I will still cry my ass out anyway, because I suck so much. So my lousy score will be the hot topic all around NP. And even though nobody says anything, I know everybody knows. Then no one will ever see me with a : ) face in NP anymore, because by then I will be so : \ about NP. You know this whole thing, it's like jumping into the sea even though you know the tsunami is coming. But for everyone else, the sea will be just a sea, no tsunami. Tell me, if you knew something bad would happen to you, would you still jump in like an idiot? I wouldn't, but I have no choice. That's why I have "SHOOT FINALS (I hope I fall sick, I hope I fall sick, I hope I fall sick)" written on my diary.
Has anybody ever seen me so freaking insecure before?
I doubt, because I haven't.
And actually I think this is like my karma or something. For being so gossipy and stuffs these few days. I've stopped for very very long and you know sometimes, you just have to gossip to someone. And it makes me feel so much like a bitch ) : And I don't like the feeling. I'm gonna do more kind deeds to make up for everything bitchy I did these few days. And I promise I will try and stop.
And ___, can we stop avoiding each other? Or is it only me who thinks this way?
See, that's why today was such a ) : day.
But many people made me :D still.
Like S/T Partner! :D For being so nice to me ( : And showering me with so much love ( : (Even though I was being so irritating for having such a I-have-low-morale face after the talk with Mr Choo) And letting me eat her fried fish ( :
ZHI! :D For laughing at everything I do >: | And making me happy after school ( : During the car ride ( :
PRINCESS, WEITING, LYNN & SOTONG ( : (Playing with kaya's ballie made me really happy ( : ) And sotong especially, for believing that we'll work together well soon ( :
MY DADDY For talking so much nonsense today, and that made me feel like I was a total idiot getting stressed up over all these stuffs
(If I think of more people, I'll add on ( : )
Shoot briefing was enough to make me feel ) : ) : ) : for the whole day. It's seriously the first time I feel so low confidence & low morale & low low low. Not low actually, just, zero. I don't know. I tried to convince myself that there was something wrong with the revolver during prelims. And then when I almost made myself believe that, we had our last dry shoot. Which brought forth a possibility of the problem lying with nothing else except my own lousy shooting skills. And so from then on, I have been pacing between the two: to blame the revolver, or to blame myself. And blaming myself seems to have gotten on the majority side after last dry shoot. And I think: Oh waiteng, look how much you suck. But then I think of classi shoots and like: Actually you don't suck that much. But! Classi shoot was just luck, you idiot. So during last dry shoot, I tried very very hard to correct what I finally realised might have been the problem. And now I have 2 choices: Either to aim the lousy, incorrect way I did for classi. Or to use the new & improved way I just corrected not long ago. Of course, I would choose the one that would make me shoot better, but the problem is, I don't know which does that miracle. So when Mr Choo went 'I can tell yall, yall are more than prepared, definitely", I was thinking: Yeah, right. So all I can do now is to wait for Friday to come, where we will leave class early to go to HTA and wait until 5.45 to shoot. And I'm supposed to brush off all my insecurities and just concentrate on shooting. Tell me, how do I do that. And I think no visualization helps now, because all I can visualise is me walking into the shooting range, still feeling 0% confidence, picking up the revolver with all the people staring at me, and expecting a lot because we're the team with the highest score. But in actual fact, they don't know that they're just gonna be staring at 4 other freaking good shooters, and one lousy piece of shit with a score of 43. And everytime the target board moves towards me, it'll be just like a knife stabbing into my heart. And after the whole thing ends, that's when the misery starts. I'll just breakdown like I did during prelims and everybody will go 'don't cry, it's okay'. It does comfort me, but I know it's not okay, everyone knows it's not okay. And I will so totally not feel like taking the same bus as the whole shoot comm, maybe I'll just run away from HTA myself and take a cab or something. And cry my ass out in the cab, then go home and cry my ass out again. Then I'll be happy that shoot finals is over, but I will still cry my ass out anyway, because I suck so much. So my lousy score will be the hot topic all around NP. And even though nobody says anything, I know everybody knows. Then no one will ever see me with a : ) face in NP anymore, because by then I will be so : \ about NP. You know this whole thing, it's like jumping into the sea even though you know the tsunami is coming. But for everyone else, the sea will be just a sea, no tsunami. Tell me, if you knew something bad would happen to you, would you still jump in like an idiot? I wouldn't, but I have no choice. That's why I have "SHOOT FINALS (I hope I fall sick, I hope I fall sick, I hope I fall sick)" written on my diary.
Has anybody ever seen me so freaking insecure before?
I doubt, because I haven't.
And actually I think this is like my karma or something. For being so gossipy and stuffs these few days. I've stopped for very very long and you know sometimes, you just have to gossip to someone. And it makes me feel so much like a bitch ) : And I don't like the feeling. I'm gonna do more kind deeds to make up for everything bitchy I did these few days. And I promise I will try and stop.
And ___, can we stop avoiding each other? Or is it only me who thinks this way?
See, that's why today was such a ) : day.
But many people made me :D still.
Like S/T Partner! :D For being so nice to me ( : And showering me with so much love ( : (Even though I was being so irritating for having such a I-have-low-morale face after the talk with Mr Choo) And letting me eat her fried fish ( :
ZHI! :D For laughing at everything I do >: | And making me happy after school ( : During the car ride ( :
PRINCESS, WEITING, LYNN & SOTONG ( : (Playing with kaya's ballie made me really happy ( : ) And sotong especially, for believing that we'll work together well soon ( :
MY DADDY For talking so much nonsense today, and that made me feel like I was a total idiot getting stressed up over all these stuffs
(If I think of more people, I'll add on ( : )
9:24 PM
hehe
3Faith <3
hoho
But that's disregard
Find another friend & you discard.
Find another friend & you discard.
haha
C:
Always, always & forever.
kw <3
6agape <3
chishun <3
weiping <3
wenxun <3
For the love.
deb
lianjie
You're the best I ever had.
geraldine!
janice!
jiayin!
karon!
karchian!
melo!
shinshin!
steph!
sus!
yanlin!
zhizhi!
3FAITH, Ultimate Love <3
carina ( :
cassandra ( :
denise ( :
jas ( :
jessling ( :
jiayin ( :
joy ( :
karon ( :
louisa ( :
lynn ( :
melo ( :
rachie ( :
rach ( :
thalia ( :
ugenie ( :
zhiying ( :
kw <3
6agape <3
chishun <3
weiping <3
wenxun <3
For the love.
deb
lianjie
You're the best I ever had.
geraldine!
janice!
jiayin!
karon!
karchian!
melo!
shinshin!
steph!
sus!
yanlin!
zhizhi!
3FAITH, Ultimate Love <3
carina ( :
cassandra ( :
denise ( :
jas ( :
jessling ( :
jiayin ( :
joy ( :
karon ( :
louisa ( :
lynn ( :
melo ( :
rachie ( :
rach ( :
thalia ( :
ugenie ( :
zhiying ( :
xoxo.
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