It makes me really really happy to just look outside my window for 2 minutes, then sit in my air-conditioned room listening to Beautiful Soul and knowing I have so much blahblahblah to do, but for the time being, I give myself some much-deprived freedom :D

I think a lot of people think I'm like given damn a lot of freedom & everything. And my life is like woah so freakin good. I don't deny I have a lot of freedom but you know that's only from my parents. No matter how much freedom I have, I have only like 2% of it for myself. I have so many damn things, sometimes I really feel like getting everything over & done with, I don't even feel like putting in my best effort. (Especially when you know they're blaming you & that they don't even have faith in you) Which gives me a perfect reason to underperform without feeling a least bit guilty.

And it sucks even more when you start to lose confidence in yourself. You know that's the worse thing that can happen ever. And I admit I've been feeling this way for quite some time already. Or rather I should say, ever since cheer. I think, I suck as a leader, really. Although many people think I'm a good leader but seriously, whatever thing I lead or get involved in, will never ever freaking succeed. I always feel like I'm a jinx or something. Like really. And you know, losing confidence in yourself is even worse than anyone losing confidence in you. It's like being a total loser. ) :

And I really really don't feel like studying for A Math & Chemistry now. And I really don't feel like going for dry shoots and I really don't feel like going for extra lessons. And I really don't feel like going to school tomorrow and I really don't feel like doing any NP stuffs. I want prelims to be over, I want finals to be over.

You know like, where's my life hello?

And yesterday's 3 hour gossiping session with rach & uge really made me think a lot too. But it made me really happy ( : Cause like since don't know when ago, I didn't have any day that I could 'go out'. What a loser.

Maybe today's jamming was a little demoralising that's all. ) : And 3rd lang was such a big mistake. And I bet tonight's gonna be another sleepless night, studying, studying, studying. Falling asleep lying on the floor with my Chem & A Math textbook. Then waking up at 4.30am to continue studying.

I want my life back. ) :

11:39 PM

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